after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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