she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
