My hand turned me down
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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