Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
