I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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