i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I stole a fireplace last night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
