I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
