This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
