The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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