Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
