Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize