I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
