You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize