im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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