I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
