After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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