cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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