I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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