i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
