I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
