I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize