You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
