I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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