____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
