there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize