Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
