I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
