There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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