Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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