I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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