He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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