Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
