Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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