I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
