I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
