I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize