Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
