why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
