I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
