My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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