oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
