I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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