Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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