We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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