im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
