You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
