How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize