I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i've created a new STD.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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