when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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