got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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