you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
