Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
