I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
