just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
two words: eviction party
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
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