I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
